HOW SAFE RELATIONSHIPS CAN HELP MEN RECOVER FROM FATHER WOUNDS

HOW SAFE RELATIONSHIPS CAN HELP MEN RECOVER FROM FATHER WOUNDS
By Darron Hilaire

One of the most pervasive issues affecting men today is the widespread problem of fatherlessness—and, more specifically, father wounding. The loss of a father, whether through death, divorce, or personal choice, has left billions of men silently suffering. These struggles often go unnoticed, masked by the many ways men have learned to numb or cope with the pain, without ever truly healing or recovering from it.

At 24 years old, I had the opportunity to visit Chicago for the first time to attend a church conference aimed at young people in their twenties. It was a time of worship, teaching, and reconnecting with old friends. During that event, one of my favorite speakers, John Mark Comer, said, “The hurt of relationship is healed in relationship.” It took me six years and countless ruptured relationships to truly understand the significance of that statement and what it meant to have relationships capable of healing and restoration. That understanding brought hope, encouragement, and the realization that healing was possible through safe, healthy relationships.

During that time, I reflected deeply on the deterioration of my relationship with my biological father, who passed away on February 19, 2017, just a year before this trip. My father had left our home nearly 20 years earlier after he and my mother divorced. For years, I believed the only way to repair that wound was to somehow get my parents back together—a hope that, of course, never materialized. Then I turned to my relationship with God, believing He could heal my pain. Though the hurt lessened for a while, it always returned. I couldn’t separate my father from the concept of God the Father. I tried to surround myself with godly men, hoping they could fulfill the role of father that I so desperately needed.

One day, I read a book by T.D. Jakes, who spoke of the concept of a "surrogate father." This idea resonated deeply with me. A surrogate father, or spiritual father, can help supplement the role of an absent father and fill some of the gaps left by his absence. These surrogate fathers can take many forms—mentors, pastors, older male figures—who offer guidance, wisdom, and support. Thankfully, I found many of these men in the churches I attended, and a few even became genuinely invested in my well-being, growth, and spiritual development. The challenge, however, arose when these father figures made their own mistakes, and it became difficult not to impose the image and shortcomings of my absent father onto them.

This experience forced me to face the reality that I wasn’t able to fully receive love, support, and help from any man without first doing the work of forgiving my father and healing from the deep wounds he left behind. The hurt, anger, and insecurity from my childhood were still very much a part of me, and no amount of conferences, prayers, or good men could heal them until I confronted my trauma. I came to realize that my father’s wounds were rooted in a deeper attachment trauma that had shaped my view of myself and influenced all my relationships with men—especially those trying to take on the fatherly role.

After years of therapy, coaching, deep introspection, and extensive reading on trauma recovery, I learned several key insights on healing father wounds:

Seen, Known, and Loved

Every boy or man longs to be seen, known, and loved by his father. In order to heal from father wounds, a boy or man must experience what it feels like to be “seen, soothed, safe, and secure” in relationships with other men. God has designed us for connection, and healing occurs when our experiences of harm are witnessed and engaged with compassion and care. When a wounded man repeatedly experiences this kind of safe, compassionate interaction—whether in therapy, coaching, friendships, or even through his chosen family—this cumulative kindness can rewire his brain, creating new neural pathways that help him heal.

By sharing our stories with others who can hold our pain with compassion and help us process our emotions, we create space for healing. The process becomes not only a personal journey but a collective one—an interconnected journey where the community of men helps each other heal.

2. Changing Default Settings
Even as healing began to take place within me, I still found myself trapped in old narratives of anger and shame. Despite my growing sense of peace, my internal and external narratives about my father’s shortcomings kept repeating themselves. I continued to recycle the same hurtful thoughts, which only reinforced the anger and pain I was still carrying.

This is where I had to take responsibility for changing my “default settings.” I had to realize that my anger was a learned reaction, a habit I had built up over time. Even though my circumstances were improving, my mind and body still defaulted to anger when certain triggers occurred. This taught me that I had to actively choose a new narrative. Instead of letting anger dictate my responses, I began to embrace the safe relationships I had cultivated and allow my emotions—whether anger, sadness, or grief—to be processed in a healthy way.

The truth is that emotions like anger and shame were never meant to be carried alone. We need safe, empathetic men in our lives—men who can bear our woundedness and help us process and heal. As I learned to lean into these relationships, I realized that the wounds left by my father could be healed, redeemed, and ultimately transformed into something powerful.

Father wounds, like all deep trauma, can be healed. The process is difficult, but it is worth it. We must first be honest with ourselves, share our stories in trusting, safe relationships, and create space for grace, peace, and love to flourish.

Darron Hilaire Jr.
Storyteller & Men's Trauma Recovery Coach

Known for his work as a youth advocate, minister, and mentor, Darron Hilaire Jr. has committed his life to serving others, particularly those grappling with trauma and heartache. Raised in the Turks and Caicos Islands, Darron has spent over a decade serving his community, providing mentorship, guidance, and support to those in need.

In 2015, he became the youngest senior executive leader at Cable & Wireless TCI, where he carved out a career as a brand, marketing, and communications professional. But it is his work as a multi-certified trauma recovery coach where Darron truly shines. He works with men, helping them process and heal from the wounds that have affected their relationships and personal lives.

Darron is also a gifted storyteller, singer, and songwriter. His love for the performing arts and music enriches his work, enabling him to connect deeply with his clients. His debut book, set to be released in 2025, addresses the global pandemic of fatherlessness, a topic he is passionate about.

Darron’s faith in God is at the core of everything he does. He believes that healing is possible through faith, safe relationships, and deep personal work. As a coach, mentor, and advocate, Darron is committed to helping men heal, grow, and reclaim their full potential.