HOW SAFE RELATIONSHIPS CAN HELP MEN RECOVER FROM FATHER WOUNDS
By Darron Hilaire
One of the most pervasive issues affecting men today is the widespread problem of fatherlessness—and, more specifically, father wounding. The loss of a father, whether through death, divorce, or personal choice, has left billions of men silently suffering. These struggles often go unnoticed, masked by the many ways men have learned to numb or cope with the pain, without ever truly healing or recovering from it.
At 24 years old, I had the opportunity to visit Chicago for the first time to attend a church conference aimed at young people in their twenties. It was a time of worship, teaching, and reconnecting with old friends. During that event, one of my favorite speakers, John Mark Comer, said, “The hurt of relationship is healed in relationship.” It took me six years and countless ruptured relationships to truly understand the significance of that statement and what it meant to have relationships capable of healing and restoration. That understanding brought hope, encouragement, and the realization that healing was possible through safe, healthy relationships.
During that time, I reflected deeply on the deterioration of my relationship with my biological father, who passed away on February 19, 2017, just a year before this trip. My father had left our home nearly 20 years earlier after he and my mother divorced. For years, I believed the only way to repair that wound was to somehow get my parents back together—a hope that, of course, never materialized. Then I turned to my relationship with God, believing He could heal my pain. Though the hurt lessened for a while, it always returned. I couldn’t separate my father from the concept of God the Father. I tried to surround myself with godly men, hoping they could fulfill the role of father that I so desperately needed.
One day, I read a book by T.D. Jakes, who spoke of the concept of a "surrogate father." This idea resonated deeply with me. A surrogate father, or spiritual father, can help supplement the role of an absent father and fill some of the gaps left by his absence. These surrogate fathers can take many forms—mentors, pastors, older male figures—who offer guidance, wisdom, and support. Thankfully, I found many of these men in the churches I attended, and a few even became genuinely invested in my well-being, growth, and spiritual development. The challenge, however, arose when these father figures made their own mistakes, and it became difficult not to impose the image and shortcomings of my absent father onto them.
